Confession 2011

(c) SAMREYES| photography

Finally, I had my confession after 3 years in oblivion. I kinda moved away from religious activities and started living in lost solitude for the past 3 years. When I entered college, with pride I thought that my faith was not vulnerable (concluding from the vast religiously-active history in my previous school). But stress came, problems invaded my conscience, doubts instilled in my heart...leaving my faith---defenseless. I started skipping mass sometimes voluntarily or not. I got immune with my recurring sins, as it became just a habit.  I was consciously losing my faith and all I did was nothing.

It’s just so different now. I feel liberated and not tied down to the same old beliefs I held close. But as much as I would want to change who I was back then, a part of the past would always grow with me. I want to become a better person but with my faulty actions and flawed understanding, I could only hope for the best so I could improve myself.

I think I have lost a lot of faith. I am consciously losing my faith and I'm not doing anything to prevent the deterioration. I've been too egocentric and all I could see are my accomplishments and intelligence. I started to question my faith and things concerning my faith and I wanted proofs. I don't want to challenge God, but I think my irrational actions are a step of being away from God. I still believe in God, and don't want not to believe in Him. Maybe I really need Him and sometimes I feel He's not there for me. But who am I fooling? God has always been with me...I'm just too proud and blinded by the world to notice Him. Please, pray for me.

The italicized text above was a paragraph taken from my diary last year. I couldn’t say that I’m proud of myself when I wrote that...and I couldn’t also say I’m upset because I wrote that. I don’t know what I need right now, or what I need to do next. When I had my confession this Holy Week, I didn’t feel free, but I felt somehow unflustered. I think this is a good step to rebuilding my deteriorating faith. It’s never too late to change.

I couldn’t believe how much I’ve changed. I used to be THAT PRAYERFUL way back in uhm...grade school...and somehow in High school. Now, I’m bothered coming back with my batchmates in my previous school. I’m afraid that people would judge me easily and see how I’ve been corrupted by reality. I guess, I’m afraid to disappoint people who looked up and placed there hopes for me in that school :| I just realized it now since I was confused on what I really feel.

 I miss my old self. I miss the days that I wasn't too proud... the days that I believe so much in friendship and in GOD. :c I've become my own Lex Luthor.